I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
