u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
