my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
