Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
