He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Randomize
