I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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