his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
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Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
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Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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