Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
