im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
