If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
