he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
