3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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