I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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