I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Randomize
