Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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