My sheets look like a crime scene.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Randomize
