I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
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Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
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I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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