i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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