ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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