sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
