Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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