Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
