i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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