you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
