Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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