I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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