wrigley field is MILF paradise
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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