I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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