Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
