Texts From Last Night

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  (805): View more from California

  Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...

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  (805): Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head... http://tfl.nu/1do3
  Replies (36) Good night (1381) Bad night (3649)
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.

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  (570): don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you. http://tfl.nu/ijol
  Replies (22) Good night (3860) Bad night (875)
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.

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  (804): she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob. http://tfl.nu/tpno
  Replies (41) Good night (4807) Bad night (3749)
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.

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  (612): you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all. http://tfl.nu/uo2n
  Replies (6) Good night (4981) Bad night (777)
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

  (786): View more from Florida

  How high are you right now..

  (305): View more from Florida

  I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

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  (305): Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind. (786): How high are you right now.. (305): I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT. http://tfl.nu/q5i7
  Replies (29) Good night (10612) Bad night (1344)
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.

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  (709): She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up. http://tfl.nu/j6op
  Replies (8) Good night (3275) Bad night (1190)
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  (806): View more from Texas

  Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep

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  (806): Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep http://tfl.nu/b11i
  Replies (8) Good night (2009) Bad night (953)
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding

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  (847): Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding http://tfl.nu/svxp
  Replies (16) Good night (5196) Bad night (1265)
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?

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  (262): the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here? http://tfl.nu/0zqj
  Replies (12) Good night (2201) Bad night (646)
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out

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  (630): i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out http://tfl.nu/xbjc
  Replies (3) Good night (979) Bad night (576)
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..

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  (401): He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together.. http://tfl.nu/x2kk
  Replies (3) Good night (1847) Bad night (853)
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.

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  (517): It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals. http://tfl.nu/8hcd
  Replies (0) Good night (768) Bad night (392)
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?

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  (205): You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street? http://tfl.nu/z15o
  Replies (2) Good night (1048) Bad night (392)
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am

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  (506): Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am http://tfl.nu/i89z
  Replies (5) Good night (627) Bad night (417)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.

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  (314): Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer. http://tfl.nu/va6e
  Replies (0) Good night (580) Bad night (327)

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