Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?