Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Vodka?
Forever.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
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