i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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