I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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