remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
