Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize