I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
