Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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