We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
It's official drugs can't kill me
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
