i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
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On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
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why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.