When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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