Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
