you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
