I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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