if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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