Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
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You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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