i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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