My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
