you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
