The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
you didnt know i had herpes?
We just shotgunned beers for America
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
