I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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