How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
