Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
