1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
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He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
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Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Floor bacon is actually really good
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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