I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
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She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Pants are for mortals
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
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