I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
