Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
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I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
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making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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