paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
