Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
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For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
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Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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