I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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