bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
